


Again

by Minkey222



Series: Again and always [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Hurt Steve Rogers, Implied/Referenced Suicide, No Fluff, No Smut, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, major feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 12:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7222744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minkey222/pseuds/Minkey222
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Bucky's dead" <br/>He agrees Bucky is dead if he says so. If he needs to stay away he will.<br/>He doesn't see him again</p>
            </blockquote>





	Again

**Author's Note:**

> Don't ask me where this came from. I wanted some major feels.

The first time he had visited him after they had gotten him back, he was met with silence. It wasn’t a comfortable silence like lazy waves on the beach, illuminated by the purple sunset- No, it was a harsh silence like radio static and a stare into a century-long since. He decided he didn’t like it all that much.

The second time he had visited he hadn’t even made it into the room before he was stopped by personnel and ushered out of another door with the words,

‘He doesn’t want to see you, Steve.’

He doesn’t like to admit it but the word stung more that the ice which he had been lost in for seventy years.

The third time he visits be barges past the staff before he can be stopped and storms into the room. Tired eyes snap up to meet his and a name drips off of his lips,

“Bucky?” He asks silently.

“Bucky’s dead.”

He doesn’t visit again.

 

When they tell him he needs to stop seeing him he does so without argument. It cuts him deep each time he walks down a different street but he knows it is for the best;

‘It’s better for his mind this way, Steve.’ they tell him, using his name as a bargaining tool.

He sees him once in the street. Not noticing soon enough to avoid the encounter,

“Bucky,” the name slips out but is heard unintentionally.

“Bucky is dead,” He growls out and he walks away.

He agrees Bucky is dead if he says so. If he needs to stay away he will.

He doesn’t see him again.

 

He moves. Not just out of state, but out of the country. He goes to Europe, traveling by foot and tracking down enemies. He applies for work under a false name in Britain some time but they find out who he is and threaten to call SHIELD, who had a warning about him being MIA and that any sightings must be reported immediately. He deletes the files and leaves Britain. It has been 3 months since he had been home.

He doesn’t try to work again.

 

He finally starts to settle into a routine sometime during his stay in Poland. He’s not much sure why he is there in the first place but he realises it’s better than being faced with the living ghost of his friend so he stays. It’s been 6 months since he left and it is quiet. He is lonely, the silence full of unspoken conversations in the night. It’s not bad, he thinks, he applies for manual labor under another false name and helps however he can. But he would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t go home every night and shed tears for the people he has lost. SHIELD catches up to him eventually, though, Tony catches his eye before he’s off again, hidden in the night. Away to another place. They told him to stay away so he will.

He doesn’t stay in one place for long again.

 

It’s 7 months since he has been home, although he doesn’t quite remember the feeling of home anymore and he finds himself in a snowy tundra, perched up on the windy and rickety wire track which has a fall which was fatal. He jumps from his place without hesitation and revels in the wind whipping around his ears. The thought-

_ Is this what  _ he  _ felt? _

-Swirling around in his head. He’s not sure he likes the answer.

He hits the floor but with a growl, he realises that he’s still  _ alive _ .

He doesn’t try again.

 

Time finally catches up to him but he isn’t ready. It’s been a year and he had forgotten who he is. He is a face without a name, he hasn’t had a name since Poland, and he doesn’t want one anytime soon. SHIELD find him in north Russia, trekking through the icy wastelands. He hears a long lost voice shouting a name. He doesn’t know who they're looking for, though, although if someone else is out in this storm he should hope they find cover soon. He heard the voice again and the thought hits him- they’re shouting for him. They can’t see him, though, he left his past life behind, no more red, white and blue. He is black now, they can’t see him anymore.

Suddenly someone’s on top of him, pinning his shoulders to the floor and shouting garbled words into his face;

“WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, STEVE!” 

The voice grows desperate, words warped by whipping winds. He can’t hear him, eyes of a dead man staring into his own. He’s so very numb,

“Steve’s dead” He disappears into the white. Dark figures left behind alone.

He doesn’t talk again.

 

A further half-year spent in silence. Mute language not leading him anywhere. He’s in America again when it happens. He’s in transit and then in all of a second there’s someone on top of him but it isn’t a dead man or a lost friend this time- no, it’s a man who wishes him dead and he can’t scream out. His throat raw from disuse. There’s a pipe in his gut. He belated realises he’s not going to make it. He’s called him Captain,  _ whose Captain?  _ He was no Captain, he was no ‘Steve’.He was nobody now. He had no name, no words, no home. He was born a nobody and will die no one. Who was he before? He did not know. Nor did he care. His eyes slid shut without protest.

He didn’t breathe again…

* * *

 

Until he did.

* * *

 

It’s been a year and a half since he was home and yet here he was. The white walls overbearing and breathing into his head, dizzying him and burning his retinas. He doesn’t like it. There’s someone holding his hand, lazy circles padding into the palm of his hand. He tries to talk but he’s forgotten how to.

“What happened, Steve?”

He doesn’t know how to respond. He had to leave, did he not? He had to, it was a dead man’s  wish and yet here he is, a dead man walking. He does not know. His brow furrows. What did happen? He cannot talk and so he does not.

“What went wrong?”

But he’s lost and confused and he doesn’t know.

He’s lost and he isn’t found again.

**Author's Note:**

> It's up to debate if he dies or what not at the end. I was just too lazy to write a decent ending so you get what you're given.


End file.
